Percussa micro super signal processor
Photo (CC-BY) Mixtribe / edm-news-heaven.

Photo (CC-BY) Mixtribe / edm-news-heaven.

I had a fantasy today that I’d tune into my favorite time-wasting dance music site, wundergroundmusic, and discover that they were celebrating April Fools’ Day by posting actual news. (wundergroundmusic is to dance music as The Onion is to world events. It is, with all apologies to myself, the best thing on the Internet.)

Sadly, that didn’t happen. So, I was curious what it would look like. In the easiest CDM article research I’ve ever done, this is what I’ve turned up from the last days alone. These are … real headlines, not April Fools’ jokes – a stunning number of them from the 31st of March alone.

And, to be fair, now is a great time to find EDM strangeness – spring break 4eva CDM style! Here we go!

Real headlines, people:

David Guetta — Tiesto Crashed Into My Dock With a Yacht … And I Can’t Stop Laughing [TMZ]

Real. There’s even video.

Steve Aoki Is Convinced We’ll All Be Robots By 2045 [MTV]

The Aoki Singularity.

And I’m not making up this quote. This is a news story from March 29.

“I’m 37 now, so 2045 is 30 years from now. I’ll still be alive,” Aoki told us. “I mean, I’ll be a robot, so I won’t have wrinkly skin and I might not have any organs in my body anymore. As long as I got my consciousness and my brain working in all cylinders, then I’m good to be in any sentient body.”

Yes, alive and only 67 years old. I definitely want to experience whatever is happening backstage at Steve Aoki shows, if it both makes you start talking like a stoned Ray Kurzweil and means you won’t make it to 70 without your body being in “brain-in-a-jar” condition.

Review: Skrillex and Diplo Put the Umlaut in Wüb-Wüb-Wüb on ‘Jack Ü’ [SPIN]

I couldn’t read past the headline on that one, but the date is March 3.

Watch Justin Bieber, Diplo & Diddy Join Skrillex During Ultra Headlining Set [Billboard]

Real. March 29. I, um… didn’t watch, sorry.

Ontario to Ban Orcas in Captivity, Deadmau5 Was a Factor [EDM Sauce]

Actually, this is a cool story – if a very improbable headline. It seems that Ontario has responded to public outcry over poor treatment of captive sea mammals, after the film Blackfish, and deadmau5 threw his weight behind the issue. It’s nice to see deadmau5 putting some criticism where it’s deserved.

See? We’re too hard on deadmau5. He’s using his celebrity to save the whaaa–t’s that now?

Deadmau5 Calls Out Krewella for ‘Wireless’ Ultra DJ Set [Beatport News]

Okay, never mind, he’s now on Twitter picking on a two-woman duo headlining Ultra and showing USB cables plugged into panties and some fruit. Which would be fine – if he had a case.

Problem is: he doesn’t. While deadmau5 was making demos with a toilet (seriously), a mild-mannered YouTube user named Christian Jackson shows a demo of exactly how you’d be able to make it work – Traktor plus CDJs plus mixer plus USB cables… and no other audio cabling to the mixer. (This also illustrates that the laptop doesn’t even need to be nearby, because you can see on the CDJs.)

He say, diplomatically, “I just cannot stand it when other people don’t know what they’re talking about online.” In other words, it’s DJ TechSTFUdeadmau5. I approve.

Addendum: I wouldn’t normally care about Ultra or Kruwella, but … being an obsessive-compulsive smartass always appeals to me. So, sure enough, the act has posted their Ultra “highlights” reel to YouTube. There, you see the setup in reverse. There’s in fact an old MacBook Pro alongside the CDJs, and a couple of slim NI controllers – one is clearly a Z1. So I’m not sure which the audio interface is, but yes, no need to connect analog audio to the back panel. On their private jet, they’re mostly talking about Ritz Crackers and drinking liquor out of a bottle, but you can also see a screen displaying Traktor Pro. I believe them.

deadmau5 is almost certainly wrong here – or, at the very least, even if the set is fake, there’s no way to tell. (And, as it happens, there’s no way to tell with deadmau5, either.)

But enough of that! Some signs the EDM scene may not be about credibility and technical prowess take us on a run for the border —

Dillon Francis Featured In Taco Bell’s Newest Commercial [EDM Sauce]

Just in case you thought that left any credibility, the spot features a senior citizen flashing her (husband?) in a car as he eats some sort of large, indeterminate burrito.

Speaking of credibility:

Tara Reid Talks Crichy Crich Into Getting Her Name Tattood On Him [EDM Sauce]

Crichy Crich who? Why, EDM Sauce tells us that’s the guy behind tracks like this:

Styles & Complete X Cuzzins X Nathaniel Knows- Kevin Bacon Ft. Crichy Crich

Which could also be an April Fools’ joke, except that it doesn’t feature Kevin Bacon’s vocals, sadly.

I guess my biggest disappointment today is actually that Ostgut isn’t really making a Berghain musical (though they are making a coffee table book – and I thought I didn’t know what to get my parents for Christmas this year).

Then again, NBC is truly teaming up with Cirque du Soleil to remake The Wiz (truly), which is, you must admit, a whole lot stranger, so I think it might in fact be time to bring Panorama Bar to Broadway.