— before they’ve even happened.

Here at CDM headquarters, there’s nothing worse than the sinking feeling when other publications scoop us with content like exclusive reviews. So, we’ve decided to pre-empt all coverage of the sure-to-be-hot Akai Rhythm Wolf.

In case you hadn’t heard, the Rhythm Wolf is a $199 analog drum machine with an actual picture of a wolf on it. Now, sure, it’s hard to review a product that so far doesn’t make sound. But after years of experience in this business, I can at least anticipate that lots of headlines and subheads in these reviews will make terrible wolf puns.

So, we’re going to use all of them right now. It won’t feel like you’re getting to use the Rhythm Wolf, exactly. But you will feel as though you’ve read all of those reviews.

It’s like we’re staking out our territory here by, you know, peeing on it.

The news, before it’s even happened yet.

Here we go. Some are better than others. We won’t rest until all are exhausted, thus de-fanging all future reviews of Rhythm Wolf and reducing poor music journalists to sticking entirely to the facts:

Hungry like the Wolf*
Howling at the Moon
Howling like a Wolf
Dances with Wolves
Lone Wolf
This Dog Bites
This Dog Barks
This Wolf has Teeth
White Fang
Biting into Rhythm Wolf
Pack Animals
A Wolf at the Door (partly suggested by Ben Rogerson – thanks, Ben)
Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Wolf?
Top Wolf
Leader of the Pack
Tearing into a Giant, Juicy Piece of Meat with the Rhythm Wolf
Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hound Dog
Exclusive Paws-on Review
Wolf of Wall Street
Teen Wolf
Call of the Wild
Gray Wolf
Team Wolf
Vampire vs. Rhythm Wolf
Dog-eat-dog Drums
Wolf Tones (heh, acoustic humor)
Iron Wolf
Wolvie Myers (no idea what that is, but it autcompletes with some … interesting Google images)
Wolfie Wallet (inside joke apparently at SUNY Stony Brook, so *one* CDM reader is laughing now)
Wolfie Darts
Wolfram Alpha (hmm, actually, that should have been my subhead for that non-sounding prototype)

Bonus – if someone can make a Wolverine music product without having Marvel come down on you like a ton of bricks, you can use this catchphrase:

“I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn’t very nice.”

In fact, screw it. That’s my catchphrase for the rest of Musikmesse.

Now, what will CDM be like by late Saturday evening? Stay here to find out.

*Your challenge: watch for some reviewer to screw up the “Hungry Like the Wolf” lyric of Duran Duran and say “Hungry Like a Wolf”! For shame!