Transparent CDJs? We can top that. Meet the CDMDJ: a custom edition Pioneer CDJ so limited, none will be made.

If you missed it, the Chicago Museum of Contemporary Art (ah, I spent some good times there) will be showing Virgil Abloh’s Pioneer’s CDJ-2000NXS2 and DJM-900NXS2. And they’re… well, normal CDJs, except they’re see-through. Supposedly, staring at them while you play is meant to give you a “different sound while DJing. And perhaps a new way for music technology and human interaction to equal a different result.” (I tried wearing transparent plastic clothes once; that for sure got a different result.)

Best take comes from our friend Vincent “Instagram Sucks” Neumann and Techno: the Gathering. May you play it well:

But it all got me fantastizing about what I’d do with my own special edition CDJ. And… I’m not even sure I’m still joking about this. Behold: the CDMDJ. It’s a game changer.

Full specs:

High-fidelity or the highway. Built-in MOD support. MP3 compatibility removed, FLAC lossless support exclusively for digital audio, plus MOD file format, Amiga and Atari emulation, and native internal SID chip for chip music playback.

Play four decks – or only one. Single deck mode allows you to mix on a single deck by queuing and mixing a second track onboard, with variable crossfader curves and a switch to apply the pitch fader to crossfade (labeled Confusion Mode).

How much more black can it be? Vantablack paint absorbs nearly all light (up to 99.96% of visible light at 663 nm perpendicular, to be exact).

More on the paint:

“It’s like staring into a black hole” which is how a lot of us feel when DJing anyway, so like more so:

It’s like staring ‘into a black hole’: World’s darkest material will be used to make very stealthy aircraft, better telescopes

No labels – no n00bs. All labels are printed, but in fully light-absorbing Vantablack lettering on Vantablack background and backlit using antilight from an alternate dimension which is immediately absorbed into the Vantablack ink.

Noir display. Monochromatic OLED or optional e-ink display substituted for standard display.

Waveforms are for the past. Waveforms shown in spectral mode only, or as direct binary stream (Computer Operator Mode) or backwards Kanji characters (Matrix Mode).

This sync button will actually hurt you. Standard sync button is available but has been electrified with shock technology licensed exclusively from PainStation, optimized for “reconditioning” beginning DJs or “satisfying” masochists / providing more alertness in late night / afterhours gigs.

The haptic-est. Pitch platters have been motorized, and overclocked beyond safety limits, which can produce smoothies and margaritas using optional blender attachment.

Professional ins and outs, designed for producers. I/O has been outfitted with MIDI DIN in/out/thru, custom circuitry converting Pioneer’s sync techology to MIDI clock, DIN Sync, CV/gate, and for some reason MPE.

Expressive DJing. Platters add pressure sensitivity, transmitted as channel aftertouch.

Go further with your music. Pitch range can be adjusted to 1/1000 – 1000x range via custom firmware.

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Electromagnetically shielded smuggling compartments modeled on The Millennium Falcon, for safe transport across borders of … uh … you know, like, music stuff

STEMS. We’re sorry. Support for STEMS files, which we didn’t want but Native Instruments made us do it. This is unsupported on the CDJ user interface, though; rooted access to the firmware is necessary to mix individual stems via command line interface and recompiling the firmware.

Prophetic. Dave Smith / Sequential filter, high pass only, with adjustable FM.

Fast like MiG, or VW Golf or something. Afterburners, Turbocharged direct injection.

Autograph edition – so you know it’s good. In honor of the Editor-in-chief-for-Life-of-CDM, the unit says Peter Kirn Signature Edition in really huge letters. Maybe. It’s Vantablack on Vantablack so based on my sources it EITHER says Peter Kirn Signature Edition or Peter Kirn is a Penis, with a little drawing of a penis, but I can’t be sure because the lettering of course doesn’t reflect light. Really, either way you know it has my name on it, which is really a sign of quality assurance or something.

Availability and pricing unknown, or check Behringer social media for a series of polls asking what they should do with their own version; pricing for CDM edition expected to be in the low six figures.

Prototypes will be shown – where else? – at Berlin’s iconic Berghain/Panorama Bar. Berghain asks all visitors to please obey its strict photography policy, so when you can’t find any photo evidence of this, you can’t say it didn’t happen, can you?

Note: CDMDJ is not real.

Nothing is real.

Wer mit Ungeheuern kämpft, mag zusehn, dass er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuer wird. Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.

* Note: in place of a manual, you get collected quotes of Friedrich Nietzsche.

As for the hoodie that says I LOVE TECHNO in big letters and costs nearly two grand, I think I actually am staring into the abyss. I got nothing.

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