It’s a magical time of year when the whole spectrum of humanity comes together as brothers and sisters in a shared belief: that this endlessly looping Christmas music is seriously going to make us all go completely mental.
But don’t resist. Lean in. Let’s just pile on as much Mariah Carey Christmas as we can handle. No, scratch that – let’s swallow more than anyone can handle, like doing a bong full of egg nog.
Amazon Music is here with a documentary just about Mariah Carey, who – many people will find this relateable – has feelings about Christmas. I guess this documentary is serious. It pronounces “Mariah Carey is Christmas.”
And of course, that’s given us “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” The documentary reveals every detail. She went to a record label. There are people singing about Jesus, who I have come to think may be related to this whole, like, situation. There are anecdotes about … things. She plays notes on a piano, sometimes it sounds like at random. (Hey, her description, not mine, but I’ve been there, Mariah.) Hanging snow, and unwrapping stockings, and presents falling from the sky, or whatever that whole stuff is.
And then she wrote a song. A Christmas song, which they then recorded with ideas that they thought would make it more of a Christmas song, so it feels like your childhood or happiness or … I think they’re saying they were going to make a s*** ton of money with this one.
Okay, now that you can’t get those eleven minutes of your life back, what if you could obliterate still more minutes, but also ruin other songs at the same time, in a way that’s timeless? Timeless as in – you will obliterate your fragile grip on the passage of time and all other reality. Let’s do this.
“But this makes you happy – you just want to sing and dance.”
Mariah Manson – “All I Want For Christmas is the Beautiful People” (probably tbe best-crafted of these)
Radiohead – Creep But It’s All I Want For Christmas.
(Thom, I’m sorry. So sorry. Yes, this mash-up is about as elegantly executed as the Photoshop but … can’t … stop … listening. I am kind of a creep, it turns out.)
Oh, and when you get to “running out the door,” well – got any family you want to make run screaming from your house?
Welcome To The Christmas Parade – Mariah Carey vs. My Chemical Romance (Mashup)
The chemical part is right.
Hey, let’s have another one. Why not? I mean – don’t answer that.
Don’t Stop Christmas Now – (Mariah Carey, Queen) – Mashup
I kept thinking mash-ups would go away. Or maybe they would be better executed. I’m a little scared of what machine learning might do here.
But the Christmas spirit endures.
God bless us, every one.
Which of these is the best/worst? Listen repeatedly, over and over again, until you can tell us in comm–ohhhhhh no don’t do that I was kidding!