Dicksmasher, the upcoming “weaponized distortion technology” from Freakshow Industries, can’t be preordered and you’ll have to “wait 1000 years” or something. Also, sadly, Freakshow Industries seems not to be doing their usual Black Friday sale where they make everything more expensive. But we do have teasers.

First, about the preorder that is not happening for Dicksmasher, that’s detailed on X (formerly known as Twitter), because no one knows what year it is even.

If the idea was to make us go to their site for another teaser, I fell for it. Sure enough, listed among their products is Dicksmasher, with this interview with an anonymized image/voice for Richard F. Smasher:

But wait a minute – apart from nihilistically asking for your email (“WHAT IS THE POINT/JUST GIVE US YOUR EMAIL/YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS” / “GIVE EMAIL. GET MARKETED TO.”), there are some actual clues on that page.

For one thing, Richard F. Smasher gets credited as a “suspected arsonist” and – did they say Bell Labs or Open Labs.

Wait. Richard. Fire. Open Labs. Wait, this means something. This is important.

Oh yeah…

There was that time Richard Devine hit an Open Labs keyboard with a baseball bat and set it on fire. (He later said he was instructed to do so as part of Open Labs’, shall we say, unorthodox marketing strategy.)

They did say the 1940s, though.

There’s also this, which is two years old, but they do say you have to wait 1000 years. It does include a breakfast of champions:

Here you go:


And just like that, I have completely wasted a portion of your time. For anyone tired of Black Friday and seeing that new Teenage Engineering thing over and over again — yeah, you’re welcome.

Now I could go for some cereal. I think I deserve it, based on basically doing exactly no journalism but copying and pasting a linkhole.

Disclosure notice: If you buy Dicksmasher, whenever you can buy it (which is not now), CDM will earn nothing. I was paid nothing for this post. I honestly am paid nothing for a lot of what I do. But on the upside I get to obsess over distortion tools named after crushing parts of human anatomy.